Hit Restart…

I wish I have been counting how many times I’ve started day 1’s. It’s depressing enough as it is just to think that I continue to have those day 1’s so maybe counting the hundreds (I would venture to guess) isn’t worth it. Just a thought. So I’ve been MIA. You’ll notice I drop off the radar when I’m drinking. Last night I went to my cousin’s house for a fire and for her lovely company (she’s the best friend a girl could ever ask for) and I’m pretty sure I drank TWO bottles of wine. Not sure. Just know I woke passed out on her couch. It’s moments like that when I say “what the fuck is wrong with you?? When are you ever gonna slay this demon and WHY do you not remember that you are essentially drinking poison that they use to make gasoline??? HELLO!! POISON!! DOWN YOUR THROAT, HITTING ALL YOUR VITAL ORGANS! KILLING YOURSELF! SLOWLY!!” Then I wake up at the bewitching hour which is usually like 3a for me. I remember that I had a huge sweating moment at the cousin’s house last night from out of nowhere. Never had anything like that. I’m pondering that moment at my bewitching hour as I lay in bed. So weird! I think deeper. I think of both my parents who have heart issues. I’m getting up there in age. In fact health problems usually start around my age. I DON’T WANT TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK OR MORE THAN ONE HEART ATTACK LIKE MY PARENTS. They weren’t that old when they had theirs but they probably weren’t drinking a bottle of wine every night. I’m scared. My mom has had mini strokes. I’m pretty sure her mom died from a stroke. This ethanol/gasoline/poison I’m pouring down my throat can easily spur these exact health issues forward. I don’t want that to happen to me. I still have a lot I want to accomplish in this life. I don’t want to die and leave my son. Day one. Hi. Hi, day one. Let’s go get a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll. Hey, the sugar from the cinnamon roll is not alcohol but it’ll hit that pleasure center in my brain the same way that poison does. It’s not like I eat those every day or even like crap every day, cuz I don’t. I just need a little comfort right now. I know that if I can get a consecutive four days of sobriety under my belt that I can continue forever. Here we go! Hi, day one.

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