I’ve laid low the past few days. And that’s because I’ve been drinking. This addiction is a demon I never realized was so hard to beat down. I read so many words of wisdom through others’ blogs and a lot hits home and a lot opens my eyes to more of what I didn’t see or know. Here’s what hits hardest for me: Alcohol is a true poison in every sense of the word. The minute it hits our bloodstream all vital organs rush to rid the body of the toxic poison. The body simply cannot afford to have this poison within or it will die. This is what is so sad to me~ my body has been under such torture due to what I willingly have been supplying it with. All of my vital organs have rushed to the aid of each other to try so hard to make sure each other are protected from failing so that the body as a whole will not die from the poison it must rid itself of. When I wake in the middle of the night with shakes, feeling hot then cold, and massive anxiety hits, the sleeplessness, etc., THAT is my body trying to rid itself of the poison I’d put in it several hours previously. I wake up feeling bruised and battered. My body is so tired and my mind cannot think clearly. I have zero energy and that is because I have been poisoned and my marvelous body is trying to heal. It has been starved day after day after day of vital nutrients and it is begging me to PLEASE JUST STOP. And that is still the goal. What I did last night and the nights before that are over. I cannot take them back and have a re-do. So today I let my body make it’s way towards the process of renewal from the havoc that has been wreaked on it. This recovery will take 3-10 days before I begin to feel a bit healed although I know it will take months, maybe years, for the full healing to have taken place. Physically I know I will start feeling better after a few days. But the body has so much to recover from the daily ingesting of poison that I know this will just take time. Mentally I fear the healing will take much longer. I will get to that in another post because it’s just too much for me to begin to even think about. Today I will treat my body, the only body I have, with loving kindness. I feel so badly that I have treated it with such unhealthy shit and put it through so much. I just want to let my body know that I am sorry. I am sorry for slowly killing it prematurely. I cannot take back all that I’ve done to kill my body slowly but I will go forward and treat it with the love and nutrients it deserves. I’m so very sorry to all my organs and to all the brilliant machinery that I have selfishly chosen to poison. I’m sorry liver. I’m sorry pancreas, I’m sorry kidneys. I’m sorry heart. I’m sorry brain. I’m sorry skin. I was not thinking of any of you guys; I was only thinking of myself. Please forgive me and let’s move forward.
Sincerely and with regret,