Here’s the deal. I did 3 BEAUTIFUL sober days and they went by quicker than I thought, frankly. Yes, I had my “dementor” try to consume me and begged me to drink off and on throughout those days but I stood firm and faced the ugly dude. It was wonderful to have energy, feel good about myself, feel clear-headed, and every other wonderful feeling that comes with being sober. Then I f*** it up yesterday and the day before and here I sit on the couch with no energy. I look like shit. I get hot, I get cold. And I’m trying very hard to not bash myself for screwing up 3 perfect days. It’s gorgeous outside and I have a million things I could be doing today but instead I’m hungover. THIS is where I didn’t want to be again. Don’t get me wrong. I plan to never be back to this hellishness that makes me hate myself. I liked myself 3 days ago. I want that back. So I’m going to take care of myself for the rest of the day by going upstairs to get in the shower. I’m going to hydrate with lots of cold water and I’m going to get off the self-hate that wants to consume me right now. I’m going to visualize my success as a non-drinker. Because I can see it, feel it, and want it SOOOOO badly. Just writing this makes me feel more positive. I’m getting those 3 days back and then all the other days of the year will follow right behind. I can do this. NO DOUBT.
Yesterday was a shitty day. Except that I spent it with my cousin. And that it snowed. That’s all I’ll say about yesterday. We all know what happened. Today is better. Except I had to shovel a ton of snow from my driveway. Took a 2 hour nap. That was wonderful. I’ve been reading my sober books today. Four days. That’s the magic number in my mind. I just need 4 days to keep on cruising to lifelong sobriety. My body is in repair mode and I’m giving it the attention it deserves. It craves repair. It is working so hard to rid the poison. Thank you, body. It is a marvelous machine and we take this for granted. I’m just going to tend to it’s basic needs. Water, food, rest. Day one. (of the thousands I’ve had) January 20. That’s a good number. Easy to remember. The lavender candle that is burning near me smells so good. It’s almost like the smell of lavender automatically helps to relieve all the stress in my mind. If that makes any sense.I need to get back to my journal and my gratitude box. It’s these things that help to keep life in perspective and really ponder what’s important. Self care. I truly love self care. I’m not religious but I am spiritual. I believe self care is my spirituality. It’s such a good way to get in touch with the soul. Self care is a beautiful thing. Day one. Will write again tomorrow.
I wish I have been counting how many times I’ve started day 1’s. It’s depressing enough as it is just to think that I continue to have those day 1’s so maybe counting the hundreds (I would venture to guess) isn’t worth it. Just a thought. So I’ve been MIA. You’ll notice I drop off the radar when I’m drinking. Last night I went to my cousin’s house for a fire and for her lovely company (she’s the best friend a girl could ever ask for) and I’m pretty sure I drank TWO bottles of wine. Not sure. Just know I woke passed out on her couch. It’s moments like that when I say “what the fuck is wrong with you?? When are you ever gonna slay this demon and WHY do you not remember that you are essentially drinking poison that they use to make gasoline??? HELLO!! POISON!! DOWN YOUR THROAT, HITTING ALL YOUR VITAL ORGANS! KILLING YOURSELF! SLOWLY!!” Then I wake up at the bewitching hour which is usually like 3a for me. I remember that I had a huge sweating moment at the cousin’s house last night from out of nowhere. Never had anything like that. I’m pondering that moment at my bewitching hour as I lay in bed. So weird! I think deeper. I think of both my parents who have heart issues. I’m getting up there in age. In fact health problems usually start around my age. I DON’T WANT TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK OR MORE THAN ONE HEART ATTACK LIKE MY PARENTS. They weren’t that old when they had theirs but they probably weren’t drinking a bottle of wine every night. I’m scared. My mom has had mini strokes. I’m pretty sure her mom died from a stroke. This ethanol/gasoline/poison I’m pouring down my throat can easily spur these exact health issues forward. I don’t want that to happen to me. I still have a lot I want to accomplish in this life. I don’t want to die and leave my son. Day one. Hi. Hi, day one. Let’s go get a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll. Hey, the sugar from the cinnamon roll is not alcohol but it’ll hit that pleasure center in my brain the same way that poison does. It’s not like I eat those every day or even like crap every day, cuz I don’t. I just need a little comfort right now. I know that if I can get a consecutive four days of sobriety under my belt that I can continue forever. Here we go! Hi, day one.
I’ve laid low the past few days. And that’s because I’ve been drinking. This addiction is a demon I never realized was so hard to beat down. I read so many words of wisdom through others’ blogs and a lot hits home and a lot opens my eyes to more of what I didn’t see or know. Here’s what hits hardest for me: Alcohol is a true poison in every sense of the word. The minute it hits our bloodstream all vital organs rush to rid the body of the toxic poison. The body simply cannot afford to have this poison within or it will die. This is what is so sad to me~ my body has been under such torture due to what I willingly have been supplying it with. All of my vital organs have rushed to the aid of each other to try so hard to make sure each other are protected from failing so that the body as a whole will not die from the poison it must rid itself of. When I wake in the middle of the night with shakes, feeling hot then cold, and massive anxiety hits, the sleeplessness, etc., THAT is my body trying to rid itself of the poison I’d put in it several hours previously. I wake up feeling bruised and battered. My body is so tired and my mind cannot think clearly. I have zero energy and that is because I have been poisoned and my marvelous body is trying to heal. It has been starved day after day after day of vital nutrients and it is begging me to PLEASE JUST STOP. And that is still the goal. What I did last night and the nights before that are over. I cannot take them back and have a re-do. So today I let my body make it’s way towards the process of renewal from the havoc that has been wreaked on it. This recovery will take 3-10 days before I begin to feel a bit healed although I know it will take months, maybe years, for the full healing to have taken place. Physically I know I will start feeling better after a few days. But the body has so much to recover from the daily ingesting of poison that I know this will just take time. Mentally I fear the healing will take much longer. I will get to that in another post because it’s just too much for me to begin to even think about. Today I will treat my body, the only body I have, with loving kindness. I feel so badly that I have treated it with such unhealthy shit and put it through so much. I just want to let my body know that I am sorry. I am sorry for slowly killing it prematurely. I cannot take back all that I’ve done to kill my body slowly but I will go forward and treat it with the love and nutrients it deserves. I’m so very sorry to all my organs and to all the brilliant machinery that I have selfishly chosen to poison. I’m sorry liver. I’m sorry pancreas, I’m sorry kidneys. I’m sorry heart. I’m sorry brain. I’m sorry skin. I was not thinking of any of you guys; I was only thinking of myself. Please forgive me and let’s move forward.
Sincerely and with regret,
Yesterday I fucked it up. I got nervous because a guy from work was coming over and I immediately jumped to the need for “liquid courage” that I have always gone to as my coping skill. I woke today feeling guilty but not upset with myself. It was a learning lesson and one that I think had to happen. I didn’t get drunk and we had a really nice conversation. I actually didn’t need the alcohol. It’s all in my head that I think I do. He plans to come over Sunday so we can cook dinner together and I now know there’s ZERO reason I need to drink. I have all my coping skills in my literal toolbox. If I get nervous before he comes over (which I don’t think I will) I can color in my new Dr Suess coloring book. I can do the puzzle that’s so frustrating but really keeps my brain occupied. Stuff like that. I have no doubt that I can go without the alcohol. Again, I think that was a lesson to show me that it’s all ok. So that’s it for now. I’ll write again tonight. Bye, kiddos!
Hello to anyone reading this. I decided to start this blog because I have found reading blogs of others has been immensely helpful in the past year or so on my journey towards sobriety. I have tried over and over and over (let’s just say hundreds of times) to inch my way towards an alcohol free lifestyle. Never would I have imagined it would be so insanely difficult to achieve. I promised myself that 2019 would be the year to stay sober for, YES, the rest of my life. I don’t quite remember when daily alcohol use took hold of me. But I can say I have had a long drinking career and much of it hasn’t been pretty. The further I’d gotten in my drinking career the uglier it got. Many times embarrassingly so. I cringe just thinking of those moments. Like the ones when you don’t remember what you said that pissed someone off, or what stupid shit (I cuss a lot, so sorry) you posted on Facebook, who you drunk called or texted. I would dread waking up each morning checking all ways I might have been offensive to others. UGH! I’m making this short because I just wanted to introduce myself. I’m gonna be honest here. I had a good start out the gates of January 2019 with 3 days sober then I knocked that back with 2 days drinking. So here I am today starting fresh towards the life I want and deserve for myself. This is it, folks! I still have so much I want to accomplish in the remaining years of the life I pray I am granted and I don’t want alcohol f***ing this up for me. I want to be a support for you who may be reading this and I guarantee you will be an extra source of support that I need, as well. Welcome. You can call me Jules.